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Oct. 9th, 2005 @ 10:52 am Exiled!
I guess it had to come someday. I have been exiled from my daughter's LJ. I suppose it is because she wants a place of her own where she can enjoy the company of her LJ friends. Of course I can't help but feel that she perceives that I have not been a responsible visitor or something. Also there is the fact that we have always shared our deepest thoughts. Now it seems I am being cut off from that in some degree. It was her LJ that helped me to know when she was in trouble or needed a fatherly shoulder. It was her LJ that told me she needed rescue from college and to come home and heal. Somehow, I feel like I have lost a vital link to someone I love very much. Is this what happens when little girls grow up to be women?
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Oct. 8th, 2005 @ 09:17 am More Thoughts
I really absolutely hate editing! I never realized how much effort goes into editing a novel. Line-by-line, everything has to be examined. Its tedious and exacting…something I am not particularly suited to. It doesn’t help when I am also not very well talented in the mechanics of the English language. It was one of those subject areas that I tried my best to ignore many long years ago in school. Now it has come back to haunt me!

I have started a new job. It doesn’t pay as much as I like but more than my last one. The good news is that it is a wonderful work environment with really great people and the work is interesting. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to see if it is all a dream.

In other news, I am frantically, trying to raise the money to purchase a notebook computer and a flat screen monitor. I have decided to sell off a couple of my vintage military rifles to fund this effort. So far, I am up to $325!

I have decided that I am not really going to change much in terms of my life situation. As much as I would like to get out and meet new people, between the book, my daughter and home responsibilities, there is just no time to do things. Oh, well….
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Apr. 13th, 2005 @ 08:09 am I'm Back!
What a difference having the right medication makes! I'm back to what normally passes as me. Much has happened over the past few months involving not only myself but my daughter as well. Both of us have made some real transformations toward the good.

For me, the biggest thing is finally starting my first novel. Before I would feel intimidated by the task and let the whole idea overwhelm me. This time was different. I sat at my keyboard and characters and plot just sprang to life. Now I am living with my characters and planning their misadventures and direction.

There is indeed life after depression. It's a life of growth and renewal.
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Feb. 10th, 2005 @ 06:46 pm Humph!
I can think of nothing worthwhile at the moment that would pull out of this depressive funk I find myself in. It seems my world is going all wrong when I need it to go right. My daughter is home from college on a clinical leave of absence which means she may or may not have a scholarship to return with. Apparently much of her depression and anxiety centers around her desire to become a theater major understanding of course that mom and dad would like to see her focus on a more conventional and secure profession. She felt as though she had no control over her destiny because we were encouraging her to take a more practical direction. Bottom line, it is a choice between backing her wishes of chance watching her self-destruct. Really no choice there is there? Meanwhile I am temporarily out of work waiting for a new program to start in my company. I have switched to a different program but that would have meant significantly less pay and I would be locked into doing something I really wouldn't like for at least six months. Really no choice there either. The debts and my spouse's anxiety levels are both mounting and all I can do is hope for some temporary day labor but depends on there being a need out there for such. Another area where I have little control but a strong desire. Basically life sucks right now. I have a Master's degree but not many opportunities to apply it. It seems I have worked hard and won the race only to find nobody at the finish line and no grand prize. So here I sit feeling basically numb and wondering what to do next.....and for God's sakes don't reply to this with banal response like "hugs" because I don't want a hug, I want a job, better income and a daughter that respects her father's wisdom instead of thinking that I am prejudiced about her choice of career direction.
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Feb. 10th, 2005 @ 06:46 pm Suffering the Sword
For the first time in months, I feel relaxed! Ah, living through modern chemistry. It's odd, because I know I still have some serious worries out there regarding my career goals, my daughter's health and trying to balance them both. If anyone reading this knows, my daughter, you would know that she is already seriously underweight. However, she doesn't see herself that way. She looks into a mirror and sees a fat girl even though she has never been fat. As a result she is deliberately starving herself to reach an idealized weight that is supposed to magically turn her life around. I just wish the ugly duckling would look into the water and see the beautiful swan she has become. So much hangs in the balance for her. If she continues down the road she is going, I will be forced to pursue clinical means to restrain her. This would bring an end to her hopes of a college degree and possibly plunge this family into some medical debts that we may not survive. However if that is what it takes to save her life then by the gods I will do it! I feel resolved about this. Sure it would be nice if she could bring herself to the realization that beauty is not marked by a body mass index but rather by a genuine radiance and charm that can only be hers. Beauty is more than an artificial waistline measurement but rather the glow of intellect and playfulness that one can command. Beauty is a certain smile or expression or witty exchange. Beauty is everything but a ballerina's stick figure body draped with theatrical rags. I think somewhere along the line, this child has learned to feel ugly when in fact she was just as beautiful as her peers who may have had a hand in that process. I suspect that the only way some of her peers could defeat her whit and intellect was to wear away at her self-concept. Silly us for letting that happen! All I know is that I will not let it kill her!
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Feb. 10th, 2005 @ 06:46 pm Copied from elsewhere....

Bold what you've done.

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink

02. Swam with wild dolphins

03. Climbed a mountain

04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive

05. Been inside the Great Pyramid

06. Held a tarantula.

07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone

08.Said 'I love you' and meant it

09.Hugged a tree

10.Done a striptease

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea

14.Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise

15.Seen the Northern Lights

16. Gone to a huge sports game

17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa

18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables

19. Touched an iceberg or glacier

20.Slept under the stars

21.Changed a baby's diaper

22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon

23.Watched a meteor shower

24. Gotten drunk on champagne

25.Given more than you can afford to charity

26.Looked up at the night sky through a telescope

27.Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment

28.Had a food fight

29. Bet on a winning horse

30.Taken a sick day when you're not ill

31. Asked out a stranger

32.Had a snowball fight

33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier

34.Screamed as loudly as you possibly can

35. Held a lamb

36.Enacted a favorite fantasy

37.Taken a midnight skinny dip

38. Taken an ice cold bath

39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar

40.Seen an eclipse

41.Ridden a roller coaster

42. Hit a home run

43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days

44.Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking

45. Adopted an accent for an entire day

46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

47.Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment

48. Had two hard drives for your computer

49. Visited all 50 states

50. Loved your job for all accounts

51.Taken care of someone who was shit faced

52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

53.Had amazing friends

54.Danced with a stranger in a foreign country

55. Watched wild whales

56.Stolen a sign

57. Backpacked in Europe

58.Taken a road-trip

59. Rock climbing

60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice

61.Midnight walk on the beach

62. Sky diving

63. Visited Ireland

64. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love

65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them

66. Visited Japan

67. Benchpressed your own weight

68. Milked a cow

69. Alphabetized your records

70.Pretended to be a superhero

71.Sung karaoke

72.Lounged around in bed all day

73. Posed nude in front of strangers

74. Scuba diving

75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye

76.Kissed in the rain

77.Played in the mud

78.Played in the rain


79.Gone to a drive-in theater.

80.Done something you should regret, but don't regret it

81. Visited the Great Wall of China

82.Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog

83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better

84. Started a business

85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken

86.Toured ancient sites

87. Taken a martial arts class

88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman

89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight

90. Gotten married

91. Been in a movie

92. Crashed a party

93.Loved someone you shouldn't have (My ex-wife!)

94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy

95. Gotten divorced

96. Had sex at the office

97. Gone without food for 5 days

98. Made cookies from scratch

99. Won first prize in a costume contest

100. Ridden a gondola in Venice

101.Gotten a tattoo

102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on

103. Rafted the Snake River

104. Been on television news programs

105. Got flowers for no reason

106. Masturbated in a public place

107. Got so drunk you don't remember things

108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug

109.Performed on stage

110. Been to Las Vegas

111. Recorded music

112. Eaten shark

113. Had a one-night stand

114. Gone to Thailand

115. Seen Siouxsie live

116. Bought a house

117. Been in a combat zone

118. Buried one/both of your parents

119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off

120. Been on a cruise ship

121. Spoken more than one language fluently

122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone

123. Bounced a check

124. Performed in Rocky Horror

125. Read - and understood - your credit report

126. Raised children


127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy

128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour

129. Created and named your own constellation of stars

130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country

131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did

132. Called or written your Congress person

133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over

134. ...more than once?

135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge

136. Sang loud in the car; didn't stop when you knew someone was looking

137. Replaced a question in a meme where a number was missing

138. Had plastic surgery

139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.

140. Wrote articles for a large publication

141. Lost over 100 pounds - Money or weight

142. Held someone while they were having a flashback

143. Piloted an airplane

144. Petted a stingray

145. Broken someone's heart

146. Helped an animal give birth

147. Been fired or laid off from a job

148. Won money on a T.V. game show

149. Broken a bone

150. Killed a human being

151. Gone on an African photo safari

152. Ridden a motorcycle

153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph

154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced

155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol

156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild

157. Ridden a horse

158. Had major surgery corrective eye surgery

159. Had sex on a moving train

160. Had a snake as a pet

161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon

162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing

163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours

164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states

165. Visited all 7 continents

166. Gone on a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days

167. Eaten kangaroo meat

168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground

169. Been a sperm or egg donor

170. Eaten sushi

171. Had your picture in the newspaper.

172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime

173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about

174. Gotten someone fired for their actions

175. Gone back to school

176. Parasailed

177. Changed your name

178. Petted a cockroach

179. Eaten fried green tomatoes

180. Read The Iliad

181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen...

183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you

184. Taught yourself an art from scratch

185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt                                187. Skipped all your school reunions

188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language

189. Been elected to public office

190. Written your own computer language

191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream

192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care

193. Built your own PC from parts

194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you

195. Had a booth at a street fair

196. Dyed your hair                                                                                             
197. Been a DJ

198. Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal

199. Written your own role playing game

200. Been arrested

201. Been part of a major protest.

202. Created an animal cemetery for all the dead animals you find.

203. (Seriously) Thought you were from a different planet
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Dec. 7th, 2004 @ 11:29 pm An Update of Sorts
It has been a while since I have posted to my LJ. Mainly because I have been busy finishing up my graduate program. I passed my comprehensives and will graduate this month! Also because I have been focused on my daughter who has been through a lot at college. I worry constantly about her given the fact that she pushes herself to the point of exhaustion and forgets (although she never really has done so) to eat properly or get enough sleep. Sometimes I lay awake at night worrying. Is this what fathers are supposed to do? I so much wish she could look at the positive things in her life. Instead, she gets caught up in seeing the few things that are not going her way and lets them rob her of joy. She is so talented and creative but she doesn't seem to realize that. I guess it is hard to see that when the whole world seems to evaluate a person on how he or she dresses, looks and how many material trapping they surround themselves with. I guess being a brilliant writer, poet and thinker doesn't count as much in the youth culture of today. Now that I think about it, it never really has. Exceptional people have always been treated with avoidance and isolation. The funny thing is that my daughter is not ugly (I know every parent says that about their children) but yet guys seem to be intimidated by her because she has a brain and a will to use it. She has so many problems in bf department. It seems that if a young woman isn't willing to drop her pants, young men have little use for her! Isn't it nice to know that we are still a chauvinistic society. I think what my daughter needs to discover is that tall, dark, handsome, older, rich or otherwise doesn't define the perfect relationship. Stature, looks, money or popularity does not determine the value of a human being. What counts is what that person does. Are they kind and caring? Do they show a willingness to accept you who you are in spite of who they are? I have been married over a quarter of a century when so many of my peers have gone through one divorce after another. Why has it lasted so long? Because of the fact that even though my spouse and I are so radically different and have so little in common, that we still find the important things in each other that bind us together. In fact, it may be our differences that keep us together. Life together is a constant dance of learning to adjust to the unique values and behaviors of the person I live with. She is introspective, I am out going. She is not very social and I am a social animal. She is extremely liberal, I am more moderate. Life has contrast for us and we are never bored with each other. We don't look at each other and see ourselves but rather another distinctly different human being who shares the important things in common. I wish my daughter could discover that. A boy friend or even life partner does not have to have outstanding physical, social or mental qualities as long as he has love and compassion and of course passion when required! Oh, she will find her dream sooner or later I am sure. She is resourceful and when confronted with an obstacle always finds a way through. In the mean time, I will continue to do what a father does and worry.
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Oct. 30th, 2004 @ 11:26 am Snippet Continued....
Jon didn't recall falling asleep. He remembered walking into the bedroom and lying back on the bed after his shower feeling the night air from the open window chill his skin and sending little shivers up his chest, legs and arms. He also remembered those nagging thoughts about "it" that never seemed to leave him since that day. Slowly propping his muscular six-two frame up with one elbow while reaching for the alarm clock, he punches the button on the back so it would not ring and wake Katie. His thoughts swirl like water going down a drain as they seek to order themselves for the coming day. Remnants of his dreams mingle with his waking memories to produce a mood that is somewhere between apathy and anxiety. A moment of panic grips him as he is concerned about scrapping some random piece of significant recollection that may serve to make this day different. Something hovers there just on the edge of swirling vortex and just as he reaches for it, its gone. Pulling himself out of bed, he wraps his now awake consciousness in a cloak of regret and despair and begins dressing. Not once does he look over at the bed where his partner is sleeping. Not once does he allow himself to fully reflect on what happened a few weeks before.

Katie had read about the new club in a local magazine and was impressed with its billing as an "alternative nightspot". She called Jon at the warehouse that morning and asked him if he had any plans after work and explained that she really wanted to go to the club that night. Jon wasn't really into a night of clubbing after a long week at work but figured it wouldn't hurt either. He spent the afternoon loading a trailer with palletized machine parts, spent the last half-hour of his day completing the manifest and sealing the cargo doors, clocked out and headed for home. The drive from Mackay Machine Parts wasn't long in terms of distance but was in terms of the time it took to wind his way through the gridlock of rush hour traffic. On the way home he listened to his favorite CD and tried to ignore the usual frustrations of freeway driving. As he neared the small bedroom community of Clayton, his mood shifted from agitated to content as the traffic thinned. By the time he drove into his driveway, he felt a renewed since of energy and was surprised to find himself looking forward to going out that night. He pulled into the garage and shut the car off, sitting there for a moment listening to the tick-tick sound of the engine cooling before going inside the house. As he sat there, he reflected on his life with Katie. They met four years ago on the campus of a local college. Jon and his friends would make regular stops there looking for what they jokingly referred to as "targets of opportunity".
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Oct. 26th, 2004 @ 08:05 pm Observation on Relationships
I have been reflecting on relationships and how we as a society have moved away from true relationships. It seems that everybody is driven by some sort of agenda. We need reasons to like people but no reason to dislike people. When you listen to people talk you will hear them say that so-in-so is hot because (fill in the reason) but someone else is a (fill in the expletive) with no explanation as to why. When people talk about relationships they approach the subject like they were shopping for a house or a car. "I wouldn't date him/her because he/she doesn't have (fill in the quality)". Visit a dating site sometime and read the profiles. They very succinctly outline the features and accessories a potential date must have. They have to possess very specific age and physical characteristics. They must be in a specific age range and all of this completely ignores the fact that the person they seek might have other qualities that fall radically short of the mark in terms of personality, stability or education! I work with single guys who tell me that a prospective date requires almost a verbal resume from them. It all sounds rather shallow. Then there are the wonderful people in my neighborhood who seem to bond only with people who fit a certain mold. I don't get it! What happened to mixing with different people to hear their story or experience their joy? Why must we boil relationships down to a level that resembles applying for a job rather than getting to know a new person? Is it only me that sees it this way?
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Oct. 23rd, 2004 @ 01:11 am A Bit of Drabble
There really wasn't much more for to say or do. I watched the rain splatter on the cobblestone street outside of the Gasthaus window and pretended that I understood the graffiti sprawled across the wall of the house on the other side. Of course it, like the cacophony of words uttered, spoken and shouted in German inside the pub were incomprehensible. Mullins had left for the "toiletten" so I was content to withdraw into my own hazy world. Somehow, being here was just not right. What the hell was I doing thousands of miles away from home in a strange country without a job or a place of my own. Mullins was kind enough to let me crash at his place since we were Army buddies for the last two years of my enlistment. The setup wasn't bad. He had a spare room little bigger than a walk-in closet with a mattress on the floor and a broken dresser in one corner. If sleeping on the street is your only option, it was almost the Hilton in comparison. Still, I had to wonder what I was running from or running to by returning to Germany after being back in civilian life and the states for 6 months. Maybe it was DJ and her whiney, clingy, clutching dominance over my every waking minute of my day. I met her two days after I was home. Just because we got drunk and slept together, she seemed to take my temporary insanity as a marriage license! "Where are going" she would whine, "When will you be back?" she would demand and all I could do is feel lousy. She was totally obsessed with me and all I could see in her was some pretty mediocre sex and a place to stay.
"Dude...you with me here" Mullins announced in his Georgia twang as he sat back down at our table. Twang....what the hell is a twang anyway? "Uh, huh" I grunted just to let him know I was still alive. "Gonna drink another brewski?" Mullins offered beaming his infectious grin from one side of the room to the other. He was like that. One of happiest guys I ever knew. He could be crawling through pig shit and never lose his ability to grin like a damned toothpaste commercial. "Naw, I think I'll just sit here and act catatonic so those girls at next table will think you drugged me to take advantage of me when we go home". At first Mullins' face went blank and his six foot frame slumped as he hunched forward peering at me through narrowed eyes capped by a wrinkled brow. I thought to myself that maybe I over did it this time. After all those southern boys can get a little insecure if you threaten their manhood. Bracing myself I waited to get cuffed upside the head. The cuff never came and predictably the grin hit the walls again as he leaned back and uttered a grotesque range of hideous noise that passed for his version of laughter. At that point the girls at the other table did notice us and with no small amount of amusement.
"Dammit Mullins, do you have bellow like a jackass in heat when most normal human beings laugh?"
"Screw you buddy", he replied.
"That was the idea that launched you into that seizure you call laughing" I retorted, "besides, you are just too much of a man for me!"
"Damned right I am" Mullins boasted and then paused...."no I'm not...I mean you know what the hell I mean. You aren't gonna make me sound like some kind of funny boy by my sayin' anything more!"
At that his grin banged of the walls again and he took a long, beer-slopping-down-his-chin pull at the liter mug that seemed lost in his ham sized fist. Just as I was ready to finish off my liter of Garlstadt's finest brew, one of girls at the table next to ours caught my eye. I had seen her before somewhere but "where" was beyond the reach of my alcohol riddled brain. Then, as if in slow motion, another detail worked it way through my consciousness. She was pointing something under the table at Mullins. Before I could react, I saw a wisp of smoke jet out the object and heard the slight "thump" noise of a silenced pistol. Mullins dropped his mug and stated at me wide eyed and speechless. Time seemed frozen and yet accelerated at the same time. Everything happened almost automatically. I threw myself backwards out of my chair, turned and dived through the window, landing on the wet sidewalk on my back in a shower of glass still holding my mug.
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Oct. 20th, 2004 @ 08:28 pm I'm Tired!
Current Mood: tired
I don't know why but I just feel emotionally tired! It seems like there is nothing around me that I find exciting or motivating. I am trying hard not to generalize or internalize this mood into some kind of affirmation of all of the stereotypes associated with old age. I remember when I was younger I associated old people with being tired. My feelings then were almost accusatory. It was as though old people were being and feeling tired on purpose or that they were so useless that being tired was all that they were good for. Now that I am seeing the world from older eyes, I can fully comprehend just how cruel my observations were back then.
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Oct. 19th, 2004 @ 08:31 am Untitled
Ripped like the fabric
Of an abused couch
He sits alone
Contemplating the impossible
Forgetting the accomplished
And
Cursing what could be
Knowing that it all
Is another act
In a bad play
Attended by nobody
And written for nobody
And cast by the ghosts
Of his past
Nothing said is heard
Nothing shown
Is seen
Nothing touched
Is felt
As another act
Comes to a close
He sadly shakes his head
Reaches for another cigarette
And feels the pain
Of another day
While the clock
On the VCR
Mocks the days
He has left
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Oct. 19th, 2004 @ 07:58 am The Mailbox
The Mailbox

Standing like a metallic sentry
Tall and awkward
Strangely out of place
In the greenery
Of a suburban yard
It wears a weathered brow
Long abused
And always
Taken for granted
And now after so many years
Mostly empty
With no more hearts to win
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Oct. 17th, 2004 @ 12:39 pm Poetry meme
When you see this, post a piece of poetry in your journal.


Gunga Din

You may talk o' gin and beer
When you're quartered safe out 'ere,
An' you're sent to penny-fights an' Aldershot it;
But when it comes to slaughter
You will do your work on water,
An' you'll lick the bloomin' boots of 'im that's got it.
Now in Injia's sunny clime,
Where I used to spend my time
A-servin' of 'Er Majesty the Queen,
Of all them blackfaced crew
The finest man I knew
Was our regimental bhisti, Gunga Din.
He was "Din! Din! Din!
You limpin' lump o' brick-dust, Gunga Din!
Hi! slippery hitherao!
Water, get it! Panee lao!
You squidgy-nosed old idol, Gunga Din."

The uniform 'e wore
Was nothin' much before,
An' rather less than 'arf o' that be'ind,
For a piece o' twisty rag
An' a goatskin water-bag
Was all the field-equipment 'e could find.
When the sweatin' troop-train lay
In a sidin' through the day,
Where the 'eat would make your bloomin' eyebrows crawl,
We shouted "Harry By!"
Till our throats were bricky-dry,
Then we wopped 'im 'cause 'e couldn't serve us all.
It was "Din! Din! Din!
You 'eathen, where the mischief 'ave you been?
You put some juldee in it
Or I'll marrow you this minute
If you don't fill up my helmet, Gunga Din!"

'E would dot an' carry one
Till the longest day was done;
An' 'e didn't seem to know the use o' fear.
If we charged or broke or cut,
You could bet your bloomin' nut,
'E'd be waitin' fifty paces right flank rear.
With 'is mussick on 'is back,
'E would skip with our attack,
An' watch us till the bugles made "Retire",
An' for all 'is dirty 'ide
'E was white, clear white, inside
When 'e went to tend the wounded under fire!
It was "Din! Din! Din!"
With the bullets kickin' dust-spots on the green.
When the cartridges ran out,
You could hear the front-files shout,
"Hi! ammunition-mules an' Gunga Din!"

I shan't forgit the night
When I dropped be'ind the fight
With a bullet where my belt-plate should 'a' been.
I was chokin' mad with thirst,
An' the man that spied me first
Was our good old grinnin', gruntin' Gunga Din.
'E lifted up my 'ead,
An' he plugged me where I bled,
An' 'e guv me 'arf-a-pint o' water-green:
It was crawlin' and it stunk,
But of all the drinks I've drunk,
I'm gratefullest to one from Gunga Din.
It was "Din! Din! Din!
'Ere's a beggar with a bullet through 'is spleen;
'E's chawin' up the ground,
An' 'e's kickin' all around:
For Gawd's sake git the water, Gunga Din!"

'E carried me away
To where a dooli lay,
An' a bullet come an' drilled the beggar clean.
'E put me safe inside,
An' just before 'e died,
"I 'ope you liked your drink", sez Gunga Din.
So I'll meet 'im later on
At the place where 'e is gone --
Where it's always double drill and no canteen;
'E'll be squattin' on the coals
Givin' drink to poor damned souls,
An' I'll get a swig in hell from Gunga Din!
Yes, Din! Din! Din!
You Lazarushian-leather Gunga Din!
Though I've belted you and flayed you,
By the livin' Gawd that made you,
You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din!
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Oct. 17th, 2004 @ 09:34 am From The Observatory
Wandering the net can produce some interesting insights. Here are few of mine:

1. I am not the person that gets up and goes to work every day!
2. People are really lonely out there even though they are surrounded by crowds.
3. Political attitudes are tinged with a sense of dread and so very polarized.
4. There is a strong difference between typical American views and European views about everything!
5. I don't know enough people.
6. I wouldn't have much in common with people if I did get to know them.
7. I want to be young again.
8. I want younger people to be older so I can have some fun too!
9. Most people on the net speak a language I am finally beginning to understand.
10. I hate spam!
11. I don't need Viagra!
12. Today's counter-culture movement is no different from the one I was part of in the 60's.

I could go on but you get the point. Right now, I am dealing with the realization that I am a passive observer of a mass of humanity that hangs out there on the net like constellations in the universe and I am stuck on earth peering at them through a telescope. They are all unique, beautiful and some are even frightening but with no way to travel to them or be a part of their galaxy, I can only observe.
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Oct. 16th, 2004 @ 12:04 pm Aging Issues
American society seems to have a fixed view of older people. In researching various websites, blogs and Live Journals, there is a clear pattern that reflects an enormous gap that exists between younger people and older people. From a review of these sites, younger people (as is the tradition) seem to view older people as authority figures, parental figures or as no longer relevant to their social, emotional or intellectual needs. It is as if, older people are expected to remain in very rigid roles that are clearly defined to meet an accepted stereotype. We as older people can not dare to identify with the values or cultural trends of the youth culture. We should not dress, speak or act like a younger person. More importantly, we should not seek to interact with younger people.

Another interesting fact (based on recent research) is that women in particular, set a very close limit on their view of acceptable interaction with older men. On average, women consider any man that is five years older as being "too old" and any man who is five years younger as being too young. Interestingly, as woman age, the upper gap narrows and the younger gap of acceptability widens. Women between the ages of 35 and 55 see nothing wrong with socially interacting with men 10 years or more their junior but bulk at interacting with men as little as 2 to 5 years their senior. Men between the ages of 35 and 55 seem to be more accepting of older women and yet also predominately prefer to interact with younger women of almost any age of majority.

The question is, what does this say about how we see the older population in this culture? Is there a sort of Darwinian undercurrent at work here that discards older people as no longer viable in the continuation of the species? Are these attitudes a result of religious doctrine or more a result of marketing forces at work in a youth oriented society? What are the exceptions to these prevailing attitudes if any? Post your thoughts!
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Oct. 11th, 2004 @ 06:17 pm Setting My Course!
Current Mood: determined
I have been thinking a lot about where this journal goes. It doesn't escape me that the majority of the LJ community is much younger than I and perhaps more astute. In a strange way it is both intimidating and yet comforting. Intimidating in that I picture the more youthful inhabitants of this community viewing my thoughts and dismissing them as the ramblings and rants of a discarded parental figure while on the other hand, it is comforting to know that there are others who might respect the tradition of the tribal elder. It is those that can appreciate the wisdom of years without casting me in role that is not of my choosing that I hope to meet. Age is a terrible indictment of a person's worth. It seems that in our society, age is dividing line between utility and refuse. I won't go on about it as I would like to but suffice it to say that I resent being stuffed in a stereotypical box and ignored as no longer being relevant.

It seems that our society celebrates youth and condemns the aged as used up pieces of social driftwood with nothing to offer and none to love except family members who ritualistically utter empty well wishes and emotive like platitudes on the proper occasion. Being older in this society is like being punished for once having a youth and abandoning it as though on purpose to grow older. It seems that as punishment, one has to endure being dismissed out of hand as someone who is capable of love and being loved, appreciative of beauty and capable of beauty and deserving of respect as well as respecting others-unconditionally!

So...this LJ will stand as my last great act of defiance as grow older. I shall post here those thoughts, dreams and aspirations that many believe that older people cannot have and that are the sole property of the young. I invite your participation and comment as sharing your thoughts invites understanding and enlightenment.
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Sep. 23rd, 2004 @ 07:12 pm Thoughts of those before....
Private Owens

A tear
Drops unseen
Carving streaks
Of unrelenting blood
On a tired
And worn
Young face…

A face
That delighted
At a lover’s
Soft touch
Or the winds
Secret caress
A kiss not lost

A tear
Drops unseen
Cleansing
A tired cheek
bruised
And smeared
black and green

A face
Fades into twilight
Eyes grow
Dim and forlorn
As lips suckle
Sweet air
One last time

A tear
Drops unseen
On a mother’s
Tired face
Worn from grief
And gently touches
a folded flag
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Sep. 20th, 2004 @ 09:57 pm Pride and Prejudice
Current Mood: aggravated
I just finished watching a show about the Tuskegee Airmen of World War Two. It’s not the first time I saw the program but each time I saw it, I was left marveling at the pride those black airman had in their accomplishments and the shame we all share for the prejudice they encountered. We like to lie to ourselves and tell each other how different things are today but deep down inside, we know that the ugly specter of prejudice still lurks in our society. Worse still is the fact that we no longer base that racist attitude on the pseudo-scientific dogma popular back in the 40’s. We are prejudiced while full knowing that black Americans are as capable and intelligent as any of their white counterparts! To me, that displays a different kind of racial hatred that eclipses the ignorance of our forefathers. It is a deliberate and conscious effort to oppress a people by direct and pointed hatred as opposed to social conditioning or historical misconception. I wonder how many black Americans wearing the uniform of our armed forces today are feeling the same sense of pride and the same sting of racism and prejudice that the Tuskegee Airmen felt in 1945.
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Sep. 20th, 2004 @ 06:33 pm Home...Home Again!
Pink Floyd echoes in mind as I sit here. I hear the words repeated over and over-"Home, home again" and it feels right. Well...almost anyway. There is the small matter of my best friend being away. Did I say "best friend"? I can't think of my daughter any other way. She has been a real friend in that we share our thoughts, our feelings and enjoy friendly and sometimes heated conversations. She has been an institution in life. I would come home and find her planted firmly before a computer diligently pounding away on the keys crafting a story or engaging in a cyber-war over some issue of social import. We wouldn't talk much just then because there is a price to pay when one interrupts creative genius. However, after a time she would emerge from her digital fortress and share her thoughts. Then the quality communication would start and wind its way through a forest of political, social or philosophical discourse that would confuse a less in tune bystander which often happens to be my poor spouse who thinks we are both insane!

Now though, when I come home, daughter is away at college so I have to console myself with the occasional....well...alright, frequent hurried phone call as she goes about her life of study wedged between social activities. It’s too quiet here now. No interesting music blasting from computer speakers or sudden outbreaks of laughter over something read on the internet. No battle for control of the TV remote or the evenings program selections. I know, parents are supposed to rejoice that their off-spring have been shipped off to some other dimension. We are supposed to enjoy the peace and quiet and revel in the fact that we can now watch whatever-the-hell we want to on TV...but you know what, I am not a parent, I am a friend and friends miss friends.

I am glad though, because now I have the pleasure of seeing my friend escape her gilded cage and encounter life on her own. I can stand in the wings and watch her give the performance of a lifetime as she discovers and embraces who she really is. Now when she comes home on weekends, I look for signs of change and take pride in them because I know she carries the values she was given wisely! All of that leaves me feeling satisfied that our friendship will endure and grow to a new level of meaning as she grows and becomes the inner person that waited so many years to come out. It’s not really lonely when she is not here so much as one might think when I can look forward to seeing my friend as the person she is really becoming.

Home, home again....
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